You grew up. your fear didn’t.
New here? Sign up for the Weekly Dose of WR — and if you love it, share it with a friend!
Weekly Dose of Work Recovery Vol. 5.6.26
"You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches." — Dita Von Teese
The Fear of Disappointing Others
Yesterday our youngest son was inconsolable after forgetting his math book at school, which meant he couldn't complete his homework on time. As a super accountable kiddo, it may be the first time that's happened.
No amount of telling him it would be okay eased his fears.
It was clear that he was so upset about having to take accountability for a human and very understandable mistake. It's a hard lesson to learn, but it's essential for building resilience. Every single one of us is going to make mistakes, and we're going to have to move through that reality.
And as a parent, it is uncomfortable to hold space for the big feelings that accompany the reality of disappointing others (in this case, his teacher).
We Grow Up. The Fear Doesn't.
The irony is that I carry a similar fear of disappointing others. It's why I saw my younger self in our little man as he was crying.
My own deeply held desire to make other people proud has pushed me to do and achieve great things. But it has a shadow side. It propels me to slow or avoid decisions that I know I should make, because others may be disappointed or critical of me.
I see this often in my work with ambitious yet exhausted women who feel significant incongruence between who they are and what they do in their work. Unironically, it's also why so many women don't express how they really feel.
When they become aware of a tension between what they are doing or saying and what they really feel, the hesitation almost never sounds like "I don't want to change."
Instead, it's a quiet voice inside that whispers: What will people think? What if I let them down? What if they don't like me anymore?
That fear of disappointing others is the invisible fence that keeps so many of us stuck inside an identity we've outgrown.
It's the same fear my son expressed. A deep, desperate desire to make people proud, to not be the one who let someone down.
It's exactly what kept me on the hamster wheel of working in an environment that I hated long after I knew I needed off. It's what made me slow-walk decisions I knew I needed to make, delay changes I deeply wanted, and stay in rooms I had outgrown, performing a version of myself that was increasingly not “me”.
The fear of disappointing others isn't weakness. In its best form, it's what makes us accountable, caring, high-integrity people. But it has a shadow side, and that shadow is where ambition spoils into self-abandonment.
Here's the reframe I had to earn the hard way:
The bravest thing you can do is stop disappointing yourself.
Not recklessly. Not without compassion for the people in your life. But with the clear-eyed recognition that no one else is living inside your body, carrying the weight of an identity that no longer fits, absorbing the slow cost of staying quiet and in spaces only to keep others comfortable.
You will be able to hold the feelings that come with it. The guilt. The criticism. Maybe even the backlash. You are more capable of holding discomfort than you have been allowed to believe.
And the people who love you for you, not for the version of you that makes their life easier? They'll still be there.
No one is living your life. No one gets to decide who you're becoming – except you.
Sincerely,
Bree
This week's did you know… Toxic bosses on the rise
Six in ten workers report currently have a toxic boss. Seven in ten have had one at some point in their careers. And nearly half of respondents say their toxic boss is burning them out or tanking their mental health. This isn't just a few bad apples. It's a systemic issue that urgently needs a turnaround.
Here's out take on the scary stats: Bad bosses aren't born. They're undertrained, overloaded, and unsupported. Sound familiar? The same conditions that create toxic leadership are the ones that burn good, kind-hearted leaders out. Executive Unschool exists for those who wants to do and lead better and feel better before the damage is done.
Source: Toxic Bosses Survey, The Harris Poll Thought Leadership Practice
Stuff we Couldn’t Gatekeep
Millenial daughters are caught in the messy middle… The Biggest Career Hurdle
What’s the catalyst for women leaving corporate in droves? Read More
Brain experts beg you to stop this lunchtime bad habit Just Say No
Give love to your hips after sitting all day with these 5 sitting stretches Help Your Hips Here
